They reek of sadness.
I work in a large corporate building. Naturally, I ride the elevator when I’m looking to go more than two floors up. This isn’t really a laziness issue, I just don’t feel the need to run up several flights of stairs to deliver a CD or ask a question; it just doesn’t make sense. So yes, I’m an avid elevator user.
You meet interesting people in elevators. Wait, did I say interesting? I meant fucking dull. It’s always the same crap: men sporting bad combovers, doused in cheap cologne to cover up the thick smell of cigarettes and coffee breath. They’re always chatting about some stupid e-mail floating around about kinky sex with an Asian hooker who can spread her legs to look like a butterfly, or some stupid sales meeting that “Ken” missed because he was sick. “Ken” seems to miss a lot of meetings. Quite frankly, it’s amazing that more of these people haven’t jumped off the roof of the building because of how dull their lives are.
Women in elevators here are more amusing. Not because of what they say—quite the opposite. They say nothing at all. Even in large groups, they will just stand there, quietly staring at the numbers as if they were wishing to God they could be anywhere but in this building.
Whatever the case, I hate elevators. Not because I dislike people, but because the people are so pathetic that it’s hard for me not to just yell “GO MAKE YOUR LIVES BETTER YOU SAD PATHETIC FUCKS.” I’m not claiming to be better than these people, but I at least have the advantage of knowing that my life outside this depressing office is fabulous.
Plus I don’t work a dull office job like they do.
Batman is a fag with the power of money.
I had this discussion with Zanno a few months back, about how Batman was not a superhero. He was a homosexual man dressing like a bat to save the day. And I actually had some strangely compelling evidence too.
First let’s look at the fag part. Batman is, yes, a fag. He wore tight-binding underwear. His punches and kicks were girly enough to award a “zork” or “biff” visual effect. He was forced to depend on a suspiciously young boy wearing tights as a sidekick. Great, another young boy for an old man to take advantage of. Robin’s asshole is probably loose enough to shit a cinder block.
Then there’s other things to consider. Most definitely the fact that Batman has to be insane. His parents were murdered in cold blood on the streets of Gotham City. Now, most people when put in this situation join law enforcement or become a lawyer or start raping innocent women. This guy, however, uses his power of money to don a leather suit, build a car, and fashion a lair within a cave for the sole purpose of fighting crime. Now this would be understandable if Batman was indeed a superhero. But he’s the farthest thing from it. I’m pretty sure, instead, he should be in a mental institution.
He is a nutjob who, instead of fighting crime—or at the very least killing his enemies, manages to draw in MORE of a villian crowd. If the Pengiun, the Riddler, and the Joker were all left to their own devices, I’d bet they’d be sitting around playing poker and getting rich off the stock exchange. Instead that fucktard Batman shows up under the pretense of protecting Gotham City, and manages to piss these guys off! COME ON DINGBATS, SEE THE TRUTH! None of these people would be attacking Gotham City (and please note, it’s always the city… these guys aren’t really trying to take over the world, or else they’d switch to another base of operations) if Batman would just shut his fucking mouth and leave these guys alone.
Batman needs to go back to being Bruce Wayne, instead of “faggot pretending to be a bat while giving Robin’s batcave a cleaning.” It doesn’t make anyone happy.
Published by Dan on October 20, 2006
in Asides.
You know, I’m not sure I understand the purpose of “asides” but I guess it’s a cool idea.
Oh, right, in my e-mail inbox.
There’s something about this article that really brings in the spambots. I mean holy crap, I’m being flooded, and I’m pretty sure that my jerkoff former computer teacher has something to do with it, but I’m not making any formal accusations. Needless to say, this crap is rediculous. Every day I’m clearing the comment queue because of yet another retarded spam message telling me I could enlarge my prostate and shrink my ass. I wonder if they’re telling me my ass will make my penis larger…
But since I’m a nice guy, I’ll post some of these fabulous spam messages right here on the front page, because I’m sure someone put a lot of time and effort to try and make his or her product known on a website that is barely read.
Except the problem is I can’t, because usually they’re comprised of one or two words. Some of which include:
- Divorces: apparently every man’s dream. Except mine.
- Suicide: I swear to god I got this a while ago, there’s a suicide pill advertisement floating around the internet. I’d prescribe this to my ex if I could.
- Online Casinos, Online Universities, Online Auto Insurance Quotes: Uhh…
- Life Insurance: Because the next hot dog will likely kill me.
- Retirement: Now why would you send me one after the other? That seems counterproductive.
- Sports Betting: What the hell sports have I ever mentioned? Just shut up.
This happens over and over on a daily basis. More spam, more spam, more spam. And it’s always on that one post! It’s like there’s a vengeance factor going on here.
Honestly, it wouldn’t surprise me if it was my jerkoff former computer teacher, he seems to find a way to crop up in my life every once and a while, as if I feel bad for systematically ruining his career. No, not really. In fact he should probably feel bad for taking advantage of a 14 year old kid who knew more than he did in the field of computers. The worst part is, I wasn’t even holding any ill-will. I even tried apologizing to him, but he came back with some snide stalker-like comments on previous posts of mine which make him seem like a balding 50 year old creep. Oh wait…
Computer suck.
Yes, you heard me. They suck. They stink. I dislike them and I want to insult their mothers, but they’re soulless bastards and, of course, inanimate. And they stink.
The trouble is, it’s not the poor computer’s fault that they’re awful, it’s the people who use them on a regular basis. The people who sit and stare at Slashdot all day with their thumbs up their asses going “omg linux omg hard drive omg jeri ryan has big tits mmmddgdf.” SHUT UP.
I don’t like Slashdot. They claim to be “news for nerds, stuff that matters” but in reality it’s a big collection of jerks who hate Microsoft and would probably outright suck Linus Torvald’s cock if it was laid out in front of them. On a daily basis, they really offer very little news that matters to me, and I’d say I’m a pretty average geek. Well, average in my interests, not my attitude.
What disgusts me is that there are a silly amount of people who honestly take Slashdot as a credible news source. And in my worthless opinion, I say no, no they are not. Slashdot links to blogs as a primary source of credible information. ATTENTION SLASHDOT: BLOGS ARE WRITTEN BY KNOW NOTHING ASSHOLES LIKE MYSELF. I’ve repeatedly said I’m not credible in anything I say unless it’s about me personally. Why would you listen to similar websites who aren’t even honest enough to say that? I don’t get it! Slashdot, you make no sense.
Do you have any idea how pissed off I will be if this somehow makes it up to Slashdot? It’ll be a lot. Don’t ever link to this.
Most people will probably question my statement about Slashdotters hating Microsoft. Not because it isn’t true, but because I’m pretty sure I’ve stated my dislike for them in the past. To clear this up: I don’t hate Microsoft. Everyone by this time has figured out that XP is a bloated piece of garbage, but with Vista they’re seriously trying to make up for the flaws. There’s a mild amount of innovation and intelligence in Vista that actually earns Microsoft some credibility. Not much else though, because it’s even bigger and even more bloated. Whatever.
In a word or three: fuck off, Slashdot.
Oh mercy.
Last year I write a horrible update on this website about how I hated winter. As I recall, I said something about mother nature needing to give it the ol’ coathanger abortion. Yeah well, obviously she didn’t listen to me, and instead spawned this shitfest of a season as a prelude to Winter. It’s called Fall.
Some people seem to really dig fall. The trees turn pretty colors, the temperature drops off to a nice 60 degrees. Things are just hunky dory.
SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Fall is the farthest thing from pretty or nice. You get one good week out of fall before the leaves wither and die and drop to the ground wherever you step so you have to listen to that obnoxious “crunch crunch” sound when you walk. Fall is depressing shit people, how do you not see that? You have dead trees and clouds all the time. You wake up and it’s pitch black. You step outside and it’s either raining or really fucking cold. WAKE UP PLANET EARTH: THIS SEASON SUCKS.
Here, I’ll break this down so everyone can get it. When you think of fall, usually you think of this:
When in reality you get this: (and for the record I think this picture is great)
The most aggrivating part of fall is that IT’S OCTOBER and already the holiday and Christmas commercials are out! I blame Old Navy for this. You all look like homosexual Hawaiians in those awful outfits. I hope you choke on your own vomit.
Whatever folks. If you like raking leaves and looking outside at a scene that closely resembles the aftermath of nuclear war, then I guess Fall is the season for you. But if you’re like me, I demand you make a sign and place it in your front yard.
Of course the trouble with this request is that the only people who read this, again, are bots. Well fuck.
Powered by FireStats