Elevators Stink
| October 31st, 2006They reek of sadness.
I work in a large corporate building. Naturally, I ride the elevator when I’m looking to go more than two floors up. This isn’t really a laziness issue, I just don’t feel the need to run up several flights of stairs to deliver a CD or ask a question; it just doesn’t make sense. So yes, I’m an avid elevator user.
You meet interesting people in elevators. Wait, did I say interesting? I meant fucking dull. It’s always the same crap: men sporting bad combovers, doused in cheap cologne to cover up the thick smell of cigarettes and coffee breath. They’re always chatting about some stupid e-mail floating around about kinky sex with an Asian hooker who can spread her legs to look like a butterfly, or some stupid sales meeting that “Ken” missed because he was sick. “Ken” seems to miss a lot of meetings. Quite frankly, it’s amazing that more of these people haven’t jumped off the roof of the building because of how dull their lives are.
Women in elevators here are more amusing. Not because of what they say—quite the opposite. They say nothing at all. Even in large groups, they will just stand there, quietly staring at the numbers as if they were wishing to God they could be anywhere but in this building.
Whatever the case, I hate elevators. Not because I dislike people, but because the people are so pathetic that it’s hard for me not to just yell “GO MAKE YOUR LIVES BETTER YOU SAD PATHETIC FUCKS.” I’m not claiming to be better than these people, but I at least have the advantage of knowing that my life outside this depressing office is fabulous.
Plus I don’t work a dull office job like they do.
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