Archive for August, 2007

Fuck spam fuck Burger King fuck Brazil

Published by Dan on August 28, 2007 in Whatever. 2 Comments

But first, spambots. You cheap motherfuckers.

Fuck you, spambots. I’ve honest to God had it. I’m sick of your Viagra spots and short suggestive messages telling me to check out this “hot chick” while she “fondles her puppy” – a prospect which makes little sense unless it taken at face value. I’m sick of being asked to look at “Nude Totally Spies Cartoons” because honestly, I’m not enough of a pedophile to spank it to those 16 year old cunts—if I was, I PROBABLY wouldn’t have the job I do now. I’m sick of looking at my Akismet inbox and seeing thousand of fucking messages, I’m sick of checking the comment moderation queue and finding nothing but garbage, and I’m REALLY fucking sick of the newest lame spambot attack: registering as new users from the questionable domain of “mail.ru.” Trust me dickholes, you’re not fooling anyone. `

I’ve had it, I’m done being nice. I’m going to start collecting e-mail addresses and IPs. I’ll track down the owners of the motherfucking bots and start mailing dildos used by Brazilian hookers with AIDS. Personally I hope there’s a local one so I can jam it down their throat myself and giggle with glee.

I noticed recently that my “FUCK BURGER KING” in big, bold letters has garnered some attention on Google. I get a large amount of hits by people putting in that exact phrase. Kudos, you’ve reached the perfect place to start your rally against the mass of faggotry that is Burger King. Before the bad food, the shitty kids toys, and the ever-growing amount of employees that speak almost no English comes the big guy himself: that fuckface in the King mask. I hate Burger King’s mascot. He’s a dancing jerkwad with a moronic grin on his face. If he actually had a functional mouth and took one bite of the sweaty cow-ass burger known as the Whopper… well, I’m just very sure that he wouldn’t be the mascot of Burger King. In fact, I think he’d kick that blubbery fuck Jared off the Subway commercials and take on the spots himself by doing nothing but bending over famous ice skaters and pounding them right in the poopshoot.

Man, I’d eat Subway every day if Jared had the balls to do that. Think of the awesome message: eat Subway and I, Jared, will fuck this girl in the ass in front of you. Admittedly I wouldn’t be in it for the anal penetration, but the idea is pretty fun.

I’m off-topic now though.

Jurassic Park 4 will be really fucking stupid.

Published by Dan on August 25, 2007 in Whatever. 0 Comments

Now I realize that I said I’m not a factual news source, and so don’t get pissy at me if this turns out to be a crock of shit. I honest to Christ cannot believe this is true, but according to Bloody Disgusting the fourth Jurassic Park installment will feature dinosaurs trained by the government to kill – WITH WEAPONS.

Let that sink in for a minute.

Keep letting it sink in.

Almost there?

Oh yeah.

WHAT THE FUCK?

It’s official, ladies and gentlemen, Hollywood sucked the wrong cock and is now suffering from some neurological disorder that prevents any meaningful plots to come out. Instead we will be taken to a world where dinosaurs roam the planet as trained assassins, carrying out whatever terrible deeds the United States of America sdfjsoajfsiod I FUCKING CANNOT FINISH THIS SENTENCE WITH ANY KIND OF WIT. THIS IS SO STUPID THAT I WANT TO TEAR MY BRAIN OUT AND SHOVE IT UP SOME SCREENPLAY WRITER’S ASS BECAUSE CLEARLY WHATEVER BRAIN CURRENTLY THERE NOW IS NOT SUFFICIENT.

That aside, why the fuck would you pick dinosaurs to be your trained assassins? Aren’t there more mobile, intelligent animals to choose for such a task? Dogs, which are already trained by the government, can fuck you up pretty bad. Dolphins armed with poison dart guns are also in use by the government to shoot underwater terrorists and drug smugglers. Let’s also not forget the Kitten Espionage Unit (KEU), trained by the CIA to track movements of known threats within the country. Clearly there’s a much larger array of animals to choose from, why a fucking dinosaur? Doesn’t it cost millions of dollars to extract the DNA and clone just ONE of these dinosaurs? Clearly the government is squandering our tax dollars on a trivial defense mechanism.

All that aside, this movie is going to be a trainwreck of abysmal proportions if the rumors turn out to be true. Although in all reality I can’t fathom anyone really truly expecting anything grand out of this latest Jurassic Park. Let’s face it, the last two were shit anyway.

Dear Dell…

Published by Dan on August 22, 2007 in Whatever. 0 Comments

I’ll be honest, you and I had a pretty special thing going on. For a long time I hated you, I ridiculed you, I despised you, but you showed me you could become better—something I could come to appreciate and respect. It was a miraculous transformation! For the first time I had a consistent, working relationship with an OEM computer vendor, and it felt very nice. But after months of cooperation and understanding, Dell, you decided to cram a stick of dynamite between my asscheeks and detonate it. And here I am today, sitting face to face with the dried up cunt-remnants that is the Dell Vostro 1500. And I fucking hate it.

Where do I begin to address the abomination that is this laptop? The cheap, plastic frame? The keyboard that feels like a mixture of shit and rubber? The touchpad made of discarded sandpaper? Perhaps the shitty optical drive, the shitty LCD, or the utter flimsiness of its frame? Or maybe the fact that Dell, while skimping on expenses, decided to stick their shitty Dell 1390 wireless card in, which completely nullifies a Centrino designation, yet their documentation clearly states Centrino on it? Or maybe the fact that, even though this system has an 800MHz front side bus, they decided to cram in some cheap, shitty PC2-5300 RAM in here? Oh, I guess I covered the majority of it! I’ll sum it up nicely:

Let’s assume that your grandmother is a fat, disgusting slob for a moment. Now picture your grandmother naked. Imagine that half a century ago, just before your grandmother hit menopause that she crammed a black plastic dildo up her cunt, and since she is utterly retarded, just left it there. Now, half a century later, as she lays naked on her deathbed (why is she dying naked? who fucking cares) the dildo drops from her innards, a twisted, goopy mess. That, ladies and gentlemen, is the Dell Vostro 1500.

What really twists me up is that for a brand new production notebook, shit, a nearly brand new lineup… THE PREINSTALL OF WINDOWS IS A YEAR OLD! At the very least, updates have not been performed in over 6 months, as both Internet Explorer 6 and Windows Media Player 9 are both installed. I’m sorry, did I see that right? This notebook is supposed to go straight to the hands of the customer and yet the software is ancient? What the fuck just happened? These notebooks aren’t being rationed out every year, I would think Dell could update the OS at least before shipping it out. It’s also quite apparent that human beings touched this laptop prior to its shipment—OFFICE FUCKING 2007 IS INSTALLED ON IT. WHAT THE FUCK?!

I’m really surprised, Dell. The cheapest of your cheap budget laptops are hardly this poor, and yet for a series of laptop that’s supposed to be rated as better than the Inspiron, well… I’m speechless. The build quality is poor, the choice in hardware is terrible, and the simple fact that the software is mostly antiquated and misused, with loads of security holes and patches that were not applied is just shocking. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t approve of OEM pre-installed operating systems, but if you consider that this laptop is meant to go directly to the hands of the customer, the prospect is terrifying.

Fuck off, Dell.

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