technobang

I’ll be honest, you and I had a pretty special thing going on. For a long time I hated you, I ridiculed you, I despised you, but you showed me you could become better—something I could come to appreciate and respect. It was a miraculous transformation! For the first time I had a consistent, working relationship with an OEM computer vendor, and it felt very nice. But after months of cooperation and understanding, Dell, you decided to cram a stick of dynamite between my asscheeks and detonate it. And here I am today, sitting face to face with the dried up cunt-remnants that is the Dell Vostro 1500. And I fucking hate it.

Where do I begin to address the abomination that is this laptop? The cheap, plastic frame? The keyboard that feels like a mixture of shit and rubber? The touchpad made of discarded sandpaper? Perhaps the shitty optical drive, the shitty LCD, or the utter flimsiness of its frame? Or maybe the fact that Dell, while skimping on expenses, decided to stick their shitty Dell 1390 wireless card in, which completely nullifies a Centrino designation, yet their documentation clearly states Centrino on it? Or maybe the fact that, even though this system has an 800MHz front side bus, they decided to cram in some cheap, shitty PC2-5300 RAM in here? Oh, I guess I covered the majority of it! I’ll sum it up nicely:

Let’s assume that your grandmother is a fat, disgusting slob for a moment. Now picture your grandmother naked. Imagine that half a century ago, just before your grandmother hit menopause that she crammed a black plastic dildo up her cunt, and since she is utterly retarded, just left it there. Now, half a century later, as she lays naked on her deathbed (why is she dying naked? who fucking cares) the dildo drops from her innards, a twisted, goopy mess. That, ladies and gentlemen, is the Dell Vostro 1500.

What really twists me up is that for a brand new production notebook, shit, a nearly brand new lineup… THE PREINSTALL OF WINDOWS IS A YEAR OLD! At the very least, updates have not been performed in over 6 months, as both Internet Explorer 6 and Windows Media Player 9 are both installed. I’m sorry, did I see that right? This notebook is supposed to go straight to the hands of the customer and yet the software is ancient? What the fuck just happened? These notebooks aren’t being rationed out every year, I would think Dell could update the OS at least before shipping it out. It’s also quite apparent that human beings touched this laptop prior to its shipment—OFFICE FUCKING 2007 IS INSTALLED ON IT. WHAT THE FUCK?!

I’m really surprised, Dell. The cheapest of your cheap budget laptops are hardly this poor, and yet for a series of laptop that’s supposed to be rated as better than the Inspiron, well… I’m speechless. The build quality is poor, the choice in hardware is terrible, and the simple fact that the software is mostly antiquated and misused, with loads of security holes and patches that were not applied is just shocking. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t approve of OEM pre-installed operating systems, but if you consider that this laptop is meant to go directly to the hands of the customer, the prospect is terrifying.

Fuck off, Dell.