Monthly Archive for January, 2008

Besides this video, the following will not involve turtles in any way.

Looking back at this website as of late, I really look schizophrenic. Random updates with small bits of meaning are interposed with various faux hatred of random elements. I’ll be honest, most of the time the anger and annoyance I portray while update is completely fabricated. I’m pretty sure nobody’s really surprised by that. Actually, that’s not entirely accurate—it’s more like misdirected, unhealthy ragedumping. I’m funny when angry, apparently.

I’ve been starting and stopping Black Sabbath’s Heaven and Hell over and over for about an hour now, only allowing 8 seconds or so of the song to play. I think I’m trying to put myself in the mood for the song. I’m really fucking weird when it comes to music. I have a vast music collection yet I rarely go exploring. The song I’m listening to is either the ultimate reflection of my current emotional and mental state, or I’m playing it to get a cheap laugh.

Thus the reason that Natalie Merchant song is going on down there. I’m really digging that song. It’s been playing in my head for days, and I think it’s because I’ve had the oh-so-clichéd feeling that my life is a movie and I’m doing nothing but watching it play out.

This is becoming more and more stilted and hack, isn’t it?

I was driving home this evening and I saw a minivan dolled up as a shuttlecraft from the Starship Enterprise. Galileo, in fact. After laughing for a brief minute I, being the overly analytical asshole that I am, sit there and actually nitpick the fact that the insignia on the spacecraft/Dodge Caravan are incorrect. I actually realized I was doing it and felt like kicking myself. Why is it I find the need to pick apart anything good and humorous in the world? Oh, right. Because I’m an overly analytical asshole.

Try saying overly analytical a few times. You catch your tongue real quick.

I’ve been thinking about actually starting the random collection of short stories that I want to turn into a novel. Nothing interesting of course, just mundane bullshit I’ve run across in my few short years of existing on this planet. Okay, now I’m being self-deprecating, but the point is that I’ve seen and experienced a few interesting things that I’d like to put into a collection. I doubt it will get published, much less finished. If I even write it, I doubt I’ll put the effort into publicizing it. It could be an interesting endeavor in itself, however.

We’ll see, yeah?

This is going to be an 8 second update.

Steve never e-mailed me back, lending credence to the fact that not only am I an asskissing cocksucker, but Steve Jobs is also your standard corporate douche.

I should get drunk or something.

Actually that’s a lie, no I shouldn’t. Getting drunk involves money and time and effort, none of which I have or are capable of. So I’ll actually continue this update as if it were something interesting and fascinating and all that jazz.

I’m really tired, and I’m pretty sure that I’m going to have to move back in with my parents. How disgusting is that? Find a fantastic job only to have it snagged away by one’s own lack of planning and foresight. I think that’s hilarious, how irony works out. I suppose I’ll have plenty of time to think about it when I decide finally to go back to school.

Or maybe I’ll have something save me just in the nick of time. You never know, I may get lucky.

whatever huh?

In all honesty, there’s a lesson in life that completely reflects how cynical I’ve become over the years: “If something looks too good to be true, it probably is.” Yet, time after time, I keep flinging that notion aside and jumping in headfirst without considering the consequences. It’s quite troubling when you think about it; having the ability to completely disregard one’s own inner voice is not something that one should be proud of. Here I am years later continuing to silence that voice that tells me when I’m about to do something foolish. I silenced it when I made all of the carefully uncalculated moves that led me to this point. I’m silencing it now when considering all available options.

I’m really hoping that all of my decisions were the right ones, you know? No, you don’t. I’m just confusing the shit out of all of you.

I’ve always told people that the universe, the reality in which we live, is a perfect example of balance. Action and reaction, time, energy, thought, all of it exists in a state of balance. In life I’ve always believed that there is somewhat of a karmic balance, a perceived “good” thing is balanced out with someone that is “bad.” This does not always apply directly to a single person, however. A man wins the lottery while 100 others are slaughtered by militant forces in Africa. But in retrospect, it seems as if my own life is balanced in such a way, a good thing is contrasted by something equally bad. Similar to Newton’s law of motion that states that states for every action, there is an equal but opposite reaction. Lately however I’m becoming quite unbalanced, where the negatives outweigh the positives. And through it all, I’m trying ever so hard to put a good face on things. And honestly, I’d like to think I’ve been fairly successful.

But lately I’ve been quite bipolar.

No, I’ve not been depressed, or whatever bullshit rhetoric you want to classify it as. Stress and reality just weighs me down, and as I’m sure I’ve made abundantly clear, I’m weighed down by my own fat as it is. I truly don’t need intangible elements adding to my weight.

I think maybe I’ve walked too many planks. I tie myself up and dive into the ocean, and pray that the current will take me where I need to go. This time I fear I’ve sunk to the bottom, leaving my image, my dignity, and my pride to rot on the barren hull of the ship above.

Clearly something is gone if I’m writing this horseshit.

Let me be absolutely clear though, my life isn’t bad at all. I’m not sad, depressed, or mopey in any way. I just made a lot of leaps lately, and I think ol’ Dan needs some reassurance that he’s not made a large series of horrible mistakes.

I’m guessing nobody will.