Archive for June, 2008

Llamas stink by comparison.

Published by Dan on June 21, 2008 in Whatever. 0 Comments

There’s a bit of a revolution going on inside of my apartment that I feel the need to squash here and now.

Here at rabid-duck we believe that the duck and all forms of Anatidae bird are in fact the highest form of life on this planet. Perched high on the Mountain of Quackitude, the emperor of all ducks sneers down upon all that is beneath him—including the dreaded menace to all things good and true: the llama.

A little backhistory on the llama:

Llamas were first introduced during World War II. During the planning phases of the Pearl Harbor bombings, the Japanese realized that by using mild amounts of German superscience, inexpensive and ruthless foot soldiers could be genetically engineered to land on the harbor and combat the American soldiers hand to hand. However during a long, sweaty, drunken gropefest between the lead researcher and several Japanese hookers (and something he lovingly called “Captain Tentacles”) large quantities of goat semen contaminated the incubation chamber. Thus, the llama was born. With the sex drive of a Japanese scientist and the rage of a thousand goats, these horrible and bloodthirsty creatures burst from their chambers, ready to strike.

The llamas made their way to a small village in New Guinea where, after slaughtering all the men and raping all the women, they formed a small llama community. After living in relative peace for roughly a decade, they turned their rage on the outside world. Using their natural ability to command many forms of sea life, the llamas used sperm whales to capture a handful of Russian nuclear submarines carrying atomic bombs which, incidentally, were bound for the United States.

Little is now known of the llama menace. Their genetic and societal impurities have led several of their offspring to flee their small village, reproducing in several areas of the United States and Mexico and posing as domesticated, slack-jawed fools. However, as spokesperson for the emperor of all ducks, I can safely say that as the offspring of a Japanese researcher, several hookers, and goat semen, ducks are clearly the superior beings.

So let us turn to the matter at hand. The spokesperson to the llama governor seems to believe that, even though they lack opposable thumbs, llamas will conquer the world. The duck army has mobilized to counteract this laughable threat, and soon the llama hierarchy will stand in ruins.

Frankly I can’t wait to see the duck emperor drink a beer while dozens of llama lie dead at his feet. It will be a glorious sight to behold.

Driving

Published by Dan on June 7, 2008 in Whatever. 1 Comment

I was going to write an update about driving and it fizzled out of my head almost instantly. I’ll sum it up in a few quick sentences:

Women cannot drive. Ever. Apparently having a vagina removes any ability coexist with something that goes faster than 20 miles per hour.

Chicago drivers are way too angry when behind the wheel. I’m always curious to see what important event you two-bit cunts have to get to in such a hurry. What, you don’t mind if I take 2 seconds to hit the gas after—okay, I’ve lost all desire to write about driving. It tends to happen when she looks at me; I’ll be pissy about something, even if it’s faux anger, and it’ll just fade almost immediately. It might cause the end of this website, honestly, because even though I do occasionally have little spurts of my faux anger, I really can’t pull off one of my fantastically angry updates anymore.

Being angry requires a certain mindset that I really don’t possess anymore. It’s like trying to beat up a baby seal—fundamentally they piss me off, however they look just so damned CUTE!

I would however trip a baby seal down a flight of stairs, should the opportunity arise.

Previously I’ve not updated my website because I haven’t had the drive. I would look at this place with disdain and call it names and probably racial epithets (which frankly make no sense: this website is -clearly- white.)

I’m sitting here trying to figure out how to organize the jumble of thoughts in my head. It’s a struggle nowadays, because my thoughts tend to turn more into feelings and images rather than my usual cold and logical words.

I no longer lay around and contemplate the universe. I’ve found my seating in the universe I once struggled to understand.

I no longer dwell on everything that’s gone wrong in life. To be fair, I didn’t really before, however these days the thoughts never cross my mind.

I had spent years emulating emotions that I should’ve felt; no longer. I feel complete. I feel.

I don’t know how to end this so I’ll just kind of float away on this cloud I’ve been riding.

EDIT: Really fatass? REALLY? You feel, seriously? I can’t believe I wrote this. I look at this and want to find this scumbag and just take a huge steamer on his chest because this is the most god-awful contrite crap I’ve read, and I WAS THE ONE WHO WROTE IT. Expect more editorials on my own idiocy, and I’ll leave it all up for all to see. I have no problem looking like an idiot.

EDIT 2: Writing updates for, to, about, or because of women is the absolute worst thing I ever could have done. I try to be this sappy romantic dipass when in reality I’m just not there, so when the relationship fizzles (and future ladies, it will fizzle, they all fizzle, unless it doesn’t then I’m wrong) I look back on it and feel really stupid. Point and case, future ladies: I’m never writing about you on this website, ever. Take your feelings and shove it. Don’t cry about it either, I’ll get annoyed.

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