This will be the shortest update ever because I’m watching TV.
And now it’s being lengthened by maybe another couple of lines. I think I’m just bored.
Aw crap, that’s all I’ve got.
Monthly Archive for November, 2008
Ooooh, a twist!
Last year I made some convoluted update whining about how the universe sucks and as a result, I should never have gone on vacation. To make a long story short: it sucked. It was vile, and I mean vile. It basically started off with this line:
“There, you finally did it karma. You balanced the universe back out so I’m a bitter, angry fat fucking nobody. Congrats.”
Here I am approaching a year later, and you know what I’ve found? That statement is actually accurate. I am a bitter, angry, fat fucking nobody working a dead end job and becoming fatter. By all rights I should be pissed at myself, God, the universe and shrinky dinks—yet I’m not. What the fuck, why not?
I guess I have hope.
I got stuck on this line right here. This typically happens when I write about subjects far too close to home. I freeze and try to figure out how in the hell I can explain anything without revealing too much or looking like a blogging faggot.
Anyway, I have hope. I guess being chained up for 6 months gave me a lot of time in my head, and when I finally came back out I realized I wasn’t the same person. Still a bitter fat guy, but yet… where’d my cynicism go? My belief that humanity is on its last legs, that as a society we’ve misprioritized and failed miserably? The fuck?
EDIT: The cynicism was right where you left it, fatass. It went in hibernation because you were free! I’m sure the blacks felt a similar feeling after they were let go from slavery, and look where it lead them? Wait, President of the United States… never mind… bad example. Sorry racism, I know you wanted in.
Whatever, that’s something I’ll sort out. Who knows? Maybe I’ll pull my head out of the clouds and go back to my normal bitter brooding ways.
I should also take a moment and apologize to people who have been trying to contact me since my halfassed return to the land of the free. I’m not ignoring you, I swear, I’m just on a mission.
A few odd notes over the course of my journey:
I miss cooking, and I’m actually going to attempt complex recipes now. Neat.
I have come to love the show Doctor Who—thanks a lot, England. I fucking hate you.
After reading through the old updates, which as we all know are rather erratic and almost bipolar, my favorites are the ones I wrote with my eyes shut. There was a girl in my head; call her a muse. She’s still there.
I’m going on vacation soon. Watch out for me, I might appear in your town. This warning is void in towns I’ve been before, so watch out Houston!
Okay that last sentence was a lie, I’m too poor. The thought counts though, right?
Right?
SHUT
YOUR FUCKING
MOUTH.
Now I will be the first to profess ignorance here. I know nothing of the series, of the books, of the characters, or of the genre. I know nothing of vampires. As far as I know, vampires should still look like Eddie Munster—yeah, that’s the best example I could come up with. So, frankly, if I mess up a few details of your precious storybook, allow me to invite you to perk your lips nice and tight and give my left asscheek a good kiss. While you’re there, give the rectum a good tongue-washing while you’re at it, because as far as I’m concerned that’s about all you’re good for if you’re going to argue with me here.
For days and weeks I’ve heard about this upcoming movie based on some cunt who wrote a series of books in the first person. I HATE ALL BOOKS WRITTEN IN THE FIRST PERSON. One person’s perspective usually bores me, and I back this up because I actually tried reading the first page of Twilight and was immediately repulsed by the constant use of the word and or letter “I”. I do not care how great the rest of the book is, I am a person who solely judges books based on their cover. Yes, I shit on the morality lesson that says you shouldn’t do that.
Someone explain to me why beings that are supposedly hundreds upon thousands of years old happen to look like pre-teens that washed out of auditions for The OC? I don’t get it. A 17 year old vampire? How conveniently marketed toward our target audience! “Now all our screaming 15 year old fangirls can imagine having their cunt plowed by a teenage dreamboat, but still maintain the illusion that he’s ancient! Hooray!”
Seriously, I don’t get it.
So from what I’ve gathered from the previews, it’s supposed to be some kind of love story between a strangely thin and strongly homosexual kid and his pasty black-haired female acquaintance that looks like Christina Ricci’s coke-addicted cousin. And since I’m assuming that vampires are supposed to be, you know, eating humans in some fashion that this breaks some sort of horrible vampire code. So now fucko vampire, feeling the urge of teenage hormones (which is funny because I’m pretty sure he’s supposed to be ANCIENT) has to go off and fight all the other vampires who think he’s a complete dumbshit. At least I hope that’s the premise, because if the other vampires just met up and said “look at this emo faggot and his dumb girlfriend, are you SEEING this stupid shit?” I would go and watch it just for the comedic value.
To be fair, I’m sure there are those of you who genuinely see some kind of value in this kind of overplayed bullshit lovestory between vampires and humans, and if it really is something beyond basic fangirlism and having the desire to have your cunt punctured by someone with a bad haircut and long teeth then good for you, I salute you. Otherwise please, PLEASE stupid fangirls, stop flapping your fat lips already.
Good evening.
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