Monthly Archive for April, 2009

The spam count has really dropped…

Published on April 26, 2009 in Whatever. 0 Comments

That’s both a good and a bad thing, I think.

There used to be a lot more traffic coming to this dusty old blog. However I’m guessing that my years of neglect turned this once regularly read pile of crap into an unread pile of crap.

Okay, look, the transformation isn’t AMAZING, but I still find some mild cause for concern.

So here I am writing once again about things that annoy me. You’d think that after a few years I’d cut the shit and actually do something legitimate, however I always seem to loop right the fuck back around here. I tried starting Technobang but it hasn’t been updated since I pulled this shitdick 20 year old Mac out of some dude’s basement and splooged over its awesomeness. Guess where it is now, a mere month later? On my dining room table next to a charcoal grill, various items from my old apartment, and a pair of dirty socks that either has semen or foot-sweat lining the inside of it. I might also add that next to the table is a pad where the dog pisses and shits—usually there’s a bright yellow stain covering it.

I guess that sums up where it stands on my priority list.

By the way, the fruit of my Chinese child labor has amazing HD quality, all things considered.

This is entirely out of context, but if you saw revision one of this, you’ll understand.

I also calculated the number of hours I worked last week at 102. 102. ONE HUNDRED AND TWO FUCKING HOURS OF MY LIFE LAST WEEK WAS DEVOTED TO WORK. Guess how much I get paid for it? Well, so far dick. Mostly because I’m spending so much time working that I didn’t have time to do my payroll until four days after it was due—although even then, it turns out the money allocated for my payroll was spent. You’d think that with the work of 4 people shifted on my shoulders that some responsibilities like payroll would be shifted off my shoulders to, you know, the bloodsucking bookkeeper that struggles so hard to keep me from hiring someone so he can stay on the payroll and earn extra bucks, though he claims he “doesn’t get paid.” Long story short, I bust my ass, but for some reason all I get to hear about are complaints that I can’t provide the same level of customer service that we could when we had 4 people doing the work.

That’s right. One person can’t provide the same service as multiple people. Just let that statement sink in and get back to me.

So I’m single (don’t even get me started, women are fucking cunts still—ALL of them) and my job sucks. It’s been that way for nearly 6 months now. Welcome to 2009, rabid-duck, you’ll be hearing more of the feminine bitchy whining that everyone’s grown to love alllll over again.

Also, I realize that it’s almost May and I’m welcoming people to 2009. I’m fashionably late, fucking blow me.

EDIT: I mistread the title as “sperm count” and laughed for ten minutes. I’m a fuckhead, I know. I know…

There’s an app for that!

Published on April 25, 2009 in Whatever. 0 Comments

Fuck you.

Every time I try to watch TV (well, live TV. I have a TiVo HD, fuck all of you non-TiVo pussbags) I am forced to suffer through yet another iPhone commercial once again touting their “app for everything” concept. Because in this hectic life we really need an app to remember where you parked, or to find out how many calories are in the food you’re eating (you CAN read nutritional facts, right?) or to tell you where you can drop a shit because you’re incapable of finding a public restroom.

You know, they say there’s almost an app for everything…

…But when you work up enough courage to tell your parents that your dumbass boyfriend fucked you doggy style and knocked you up and they tell you that you’re incapable of raising a child, abort it, is there an app for that? Can your iPhone abort your baby?

…When you plow into a family of six driving a minivan while you were trying to text someone a hilarious story on your iPhone, you crawl out of your flipped Honda hybrid and see their broken, flaming bodies—is there an app for that?

…When you’re walking down a back alley and you see a suspicious looking dark-colored fellow so you choose to walk the other way, only to find that another has cut you off, they advance on you with that devilish look in their eye as if to say “I’m going to plow your vagina like my baby momma’s dad’s driveway” – is there an app for that? Yes! The phone! But wait, oh, your iPhone has locked up because you were trying to download things from iTunes and remember where you parked! No!

I’m guessing that story doesn’t end well.

Seriously, the fact that iPhone users need “an app for everything” more or less tells me that iPhone users are dipshits incapable of the most basic human tasks. You need a parking reminder? You can’t find a bathroom? You can’t read BASIC NUTRITIONAL FACTS, or inquire about them when you’re stuffing your fat face? Seriously?

RIM should start a campaign that simply states “we don’t have an app for everything, but our users aren’t braying fuckwits. buy a Blackberry.” If I don’t see at least a one million percent increase in revenue, I’ll allow four of you to anally violate me in a back alley like the young woman in my story. You can even slap me across the face a little. Go on, it’ll be FUN.