technobang

Fuck you.

Every time I try to watch TV (well, live TV. I have a TiVo HD, fuck all of you non-TiVo pussbags) I am forced to suffer through yet another iPhone commercial once again touting their “app for everything” concept. Because in this hectic life we really need an app to remember where you parked, or to find out how many calories are in the food you’re eating (you CAN read nutritional facts, right?) or to tell you where you can drop a shit because you’re incapable of finding a public restroom.

You know, they say there’s almost an app for everything…

…But when you work up enough courage to tell your parents that your dumbass boyfriend fucked you doggy style and knocked you up and they tell you that you’re incapable of raising a child, abort it, is there an app for that? Can your iPhone abort your baby?

…When you plow into a family of six driving a minivan while you were trying to text someone a hilarious story on your iPhone, you crawl out of your flipped Honda hybrid and see their broken, flaming bodies—is there an app for that?

…When you’re walking down a back alley and you see a suspicious looking dark-colored fellow so you choose to walk the other way, only to find that another has cut you off, they advance on you with that devilish look in their eye as if to say “I’m going to plow your vagina like my baby momma’s dad’s driveway” – is there an app for that? Yes! The phone! But wait, oh, your iPhone has locked up because you were trying to download things from iTunes and remember where you parked! No!

I’m guessing that story doesn’t end well.

Seriously, the fact that iPhone users need “an app for everything” more or less tells me that iPhone users are dipshits incapable of the most basic human tasks. You need a parking reminder? You can’t find a bathroom? You can’t read BASIC NUTRITIONAL FACTS, or inquire about them when you’re stuffing your fat face? Seriously?

RIM should start a campaign that simply states “we don’t have an app for everything, but our users aren’t braying fuckwits. buy a Blackberry.” If I don’t see at least a one million percent increase in revenue, I’ll allow four of you to anally violate me in a back alley like the young woman in my story. You can even slap me across the face a little. Go on, it’ll be FUN.