technobang

I realize this isn’t the most clever title I’ve come up with, however the unbridled contempt I’m feeling right now is beyond compare. Also said contempt is clouding my creative judgement.

To offer a little backstory: I live in a little two story house. This is it:

The upstairs is a converted attic so I do have the benefit of a shit ton of insulation so I don’t have to listen to it every fucking time it goes off. However, I travel downstairs. Often. Either to handle a few bodily functions (read: I POOP) or to ingest some kind of sustenance or perhaps even to venture outside in order to terrify and annoy society with my meaningless ramblings. Whenever one of the urges strikes, I’m greeted with the following.

YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP

…For no less than 6 minutes. Combine this with an incessant jumping and clumsy scattering about on hardwood floors, this tiny and extremely annoying dog poses a rather large threat in that if I accidentally were to step on it, I am immediately blamed by its owner (which is an entirely different story in itself.)

If that weren’t enough, this thing pisses and shits in my pantry. Yeah. The place where I keep various foods and cooking ingredients (or I did, rather) also happens to be the very place that this annoying mutt relieves itself. In my fucking pantry. I had grand dreams of turning the kitchen in this neat house that I live in into a place where I could actually get around to cooking myself and my roommates the meals that we all very much deserve is now the bathroom for a 2 pound pile of noisy flesh and fur.

By the way, mentioning to its owner that perhaps since he now lives in a house with a backyard that maybe he should actually start taking his dog outside to piss is also a wild insult and incites large arguments. Again, another story.

The entire reason this comes about is because as I venture downstairs to urinate and perhaps have a glass of water, the dog — which sleeps in the same room as its owner — starts barking incessantly. Since I can’t see the fucking thing dart around under my feet, I trip over it and fall. I’m quite sure that the owner got angry at the loud “YELP” noise that the dog made and chose that moment to emit something which I think sounded like “BLARGHGHGLH!”

I then quietly whispered wishes of death into the little dog’s ears. Am I a bad person?

You might remember this. This is how this stupid website ages ago.

Well, nearly 4 years ago (in fact, in 3 days it will be exactly 4 years old) I started this disaster with a simple goal. 4 years ago I worked for a wonderful little store in Grand Rapids called Grand Professional Computers as a sales associate/technical support guy/manager/superhero. (Note how each of those titles scales in how it scratches my ego—this is important.)

The idea being that my friend Steve and I could ramble about the current state of technology and why the shit sucks. Then it became more me yelling about the current state of technology. Then it devolved further to become “things that annoy me” which included anything between seasons and Jews. Then I started feeling feelings and talking about them. Now we’re here.

I have several times attempted to bury this and start over, but the reality is very simple: I can’t. Not only can I not, but it hit me today like a ton of bricks—I don’t want to. Some of this crap I think is pretty funny. Other people have deemed it hilarious. The readerbase has changed over the years and the shit that I write about tends to vary but all in all I can’t seem to bring myself to axe the past here.

I guess we can count this as me starting again.

I moved this over to my unused domain in order to sound, I don’t know, impressive? It really isn’t I guess, but maybe I can sucker some poor idiots into reading some of the older articles and spreading it along or something.

A few upcoming topics:
– Stalking my gay roommate as he sneaks out to have sex with someone!
– Running a business and hiding this from my customers!
– Hilarious porn!
– An uncanny ability to annoy entire crowds of people in small restaurants!
– My inability to come up with interesting things to talk about!
– More exclamation points!!!!

Look, fuckers, not everything is a winner here. Read things like this thing about Twilight or dirty things I’d do to Jared from Subway or that a season can be used as an abortion joke.

I had a fan because of the last one! Honest. I took like 4 NyQuil, so I’m going to conclude this by saying hold onto your hats kids, I’ll write more stupid shit soon.

This is the part where I quietly admit that no one cares and that fatty (THAT’S ME I CALL MYSELF FATTY SOMETIMES OKAY) should shut his face.