technobang

I realize this isn’t the most clever title I’ve come up with, however the unbridled contempt I’m feeling right now is beyond compare. Also said contempt is clouding my creative judgement.

To offer a little backstory: I live in a little two story house. This is it:

The upstairs is a converted attic so I do have the benefit of a shit ton of insulation so I don’t have to listen to it every fucking time it goes off. However, I travel downstairs. Often. Either to handle a few bodily functions (read: I POOP) or to ingest some kind of sustenance or perhaps even to venture outside in order to terrify and annoy society with my meaningless ramblings. Whenever one of the urges strikes, I’m greeted with the following.

YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP

…For no less than 6 minutes. Combine this with an incessant jumping and clumsy scattering about on hardwood floors, this tiny and extremely annoying dog poses a rather large threat in that if I accidentally were to step on it, I am immediately blamed by its owner (which is an entirely different story in itself.)

If that weren’t enough, this thing pisses and shits in my pantry. Yeah. The place where I keep various foods and cooking ingredients (or I did, rather) also happens to be the very place that this annoying mutt relieves itself. In my fucking pantry. I had grand dreams of turning the kitchen in this neat house that I live in into a place where I could actually get around to cooking myself and my roommates the meals that we all very much deserve is now the bathroom for a 2 pound pile of noisy flesh and fur.

By the way, mentioning to its owner that perhaps since he now lives in a house with a backyard that maybe he should actually start taking his dog outside to piss is also a wild insult and incites large arguments. Again, another story.

The entire reason this comes about is because as I venture downstairs to urinate and perhaps have a glass of water, the dog — which sleeps in the same room as its owner — starts barking incessantly. Since I can’t see the fucking thing dart around under my feet, I trip over it and fall. I’m quite sure that the owner got angry at the loud “YELP” noise that the dog made and chose that moment to emit something which I think sounded like “BLARGHGHGLH!”

I then quietly whispered wishes of death into the little dog’s ears. Am I a bad person?